I am waking up. I feel myself expanding and growing, shedding old layers, gaining new perspective and insight into the truth. The past few weeks have felt as if two years worth of internal growth have been condensed into two weeks worth of ‘normal’ time. I have been forced into the light by this disease, flung into new realms of understanding. I spent New Year’s Eve with my family for the first time in ten years, at our peaceful little cottage beneath the Ceres mountains. A time where I normally would have been drinking, partying and getting lost in the temporary high, I instead spent swimming in the river. reading, meditating and sleeping outside with my sister. We lay under the stars, camping out as if we were small children again, talking, laughing, swimming through the cosmos together. The stars were surreal. I felt at peace, feeding my inner child, nurturing my body.
Drastically changing my lifestyle and thought patterns over the last couple of weeks has created space for an abundance of beauty to enter my life. I feel myself connecting to nature on an entirely new level of intensity and intricacy. The polarity of this means the city has become more stressful and anxiety riddled, while the mountains, the oceans and the rivers have become places of healing, a space to access inner stillness and refuel my strength. Ultimately,the goal is to be able to remain in a state of tranquility, confidence and calm whilst amidst the chaos of the city and not allow the frenetic energy of the metropolis to pull me under. This is still a work in progress.
The downside to this process of awakening is the loneliness. Shedding layers and releasing the habitualised and unconscious patterns of the past, I move away from social scenes that I was a part of. I am realising that preserving my energy is of vital importance right now, particularly as I head into my second week of chemotherapy and choosing who to surround myself with is important as I need to expend my energy on those who are able to give me energy back. This might sound egoic, but the intention is good. I can’t have surface level conversations anymore. The storm inside of me is ploughing too deep. I need to go deeper. My soul is yearning for meaningful conversations and a deeper sense of understanding of our purpose here on Earth. Luckily, the universe is doing most of the work for me. As I transcend, the right people seem to step into my space and the wrong people seem to exit. The conversations I have had with people over the last week have been helpful, enabling intellectual growth and understanding.
I am also becoming deeply conscious of my thoughts and their ability to completely consume me and take control of my emotions. The thoughts that enter our minds are only illusions, created by the voice in our head that thrives on fear. Our natural state of being is stillness. Thoughts are completely illusory. However, realising the control my thoughts have over me and seeing these waves of cogitation as they arise as simply temporal creations of my mind is the challenge. It is so easy to allow a thought to pervade one’s entirety, to let it change your mood, alter your state of being.
I wrote this excerpt the other day as I sat beside the river…
As I awaken the true nature of the mind is being revealed to me. The mind is naturally still, without thoughts, without stress or turmoil. All anxiety, all fear, all worry, all emotion is derived from our incessant thinking. We think consistently, without end and it is these thoughts that cause our suffering. Without thoughts what do we have left. Stillness. It is simply what it is. You are alive. You are breathing. You are wherever you find yourself and that is where you are. But that is all. There is no more. Everything else you have created in your head. Everything else is a story you continually tell yourself, a story that you react too with sadness or joy. We think a thought and then respond emotionally to this thought. But this thought is a creation of our mind. It is an illusion. It is not real. All these stories we tell ourselves, of the past, of the future – they do not exist. We create them. Our natural minds are without emotion. The mind is equal. It does not cling to joy or to sadness. It just is. It is natural and at peace in the present moment. There is no need to be emotional over something that does not exist. If it is not in your present reality then it is not worth being concerned over. You will deal with the situation when it occurs. What is the point of feeling all this emotion over a situation that has not yet occurred?
“Let the world call you lazy for not running about like a frightened ghost. Just be quiet inside yourself. Don’t bother about knowing how things should be and simply begin observing without prejudice, projections or desires. Notice how life flows of its own accord. Nothing here is a chaos, but a harmony. You are already inside this flow.”