thoughts

My thoughts are a prison.

One moment I am up, the next I am down. And I’m flying, I’m flying through the forest and I’m catching dew drops on my tongue and I’m thinking of how I felt when I was six years old and all I ever wanted was to play in the garden until the sky was dark and the stars danced across the black sky. I go up and I go down like waves in the sea and I long to be free from the thoughts that rise up in my mind and pull me under, so I feel like I’m drowning, drowning in the prison of my thoughts. How do they have so much control over me? Who decided they would be in control? Because I know they do not own me. I am bigger than these turbulent waves that rock the boat that is my core. I am bigger and bolder and my soul is older and everything is where it is meant to be. I am on this journey and I’m going where I’m meant to go and I’m sailing the seven seas and the current is warm and I find myself pure and naked as I float and the sea is salty and a million fishes are swimming with me.

Everything is golden.

I am Shelly the mermaid, the same little girl with colourful acrylic fishes painted on her bedroom walls and glow in the dark stars stuck to her ceiling. I am infinite.

The trajectory of life is never straight. It bends and turns and twists and falls and I am a part of it all. I am going where I am supposed to be going. I am receiving the lessons I am supposed to receive. Maybe I wasn’t meant for this ordinary life, maybe I was always supposed to be a teacher. A guide. An orb of amber light reflecting to others the sunshine they have inside of them. And maybe in order to be this teacher, I need to go through the darkness. I am supposed to endure this pain and difficult climb in order to ascend. To attain a wisdom that can only come from having truly felt like the sun was going to burn my insides but it didn’t. Because I was strong enough to carry on. Because I ascended the constraints of vanity and the lulls of heartache and the pain of loss and the seasons of insecurity. Maybe I’m meant to see that none of this is bad. This is all the most beautiful blessing, the most beautiful gift.

You are going to grow so gold and your soul is going to grow and baby you are going to ascend to the highest heights, you don’t even know.

Dont forget that you dont know how beautiful you are. You don’t know how beautiful that soul is. Don’t forget that you don’t know how many worlds you light up.

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